I thought we would have 2 or 3 children. We are a couple that has always enjoyed being around children, so much so that I have worked either as a teacher or a children’s librarian for the last 10 years. We married in our early 20s and promised not to begin our family until grad school was done, careers were begun, house was purchased. Lil’ A was born in my 30th year about a month prior to our 6th wedding anniversary.
Motherhood did not come instantly to me. I was surprised and frustrated by these feelings and while I was so in love with my beautiful baby girl, I was not enjoying infancy (not to mention how much I hated being pregnant and how difficult it was for me). By no means did I feel depressed or suffer from post-pardom but I was overwhelmed and tears came easily. I worried about the choice we had made. 6 months in, he was ready for #2. I was not.
It took time but I found my groove as a mother and not only loved my baby but I fell in love with motherhood as well. And then one day, being A’s mother just felt like it was meant to be. No more fear or worry or insecurity. It feels like the most natural thing in the world. I began to wonder if this was the right time to consider growing our family.
In the end, we decided that our family was complete. There are many reasons we are comfortable with this choice but I know it is the right one. That does not mean I still haven’t felt those gooey baby feelings every now and then. Not working has stirred those long dormant feelings once again. I’m home so why the hell not.
I have spent the last few days caring for my brother-in-law’s 2 kids and A, while they have been out of the country. For 4 days, it’s been me and them. My 18 month old nephew is a sweet baby but he is still a baby. Diapers, naps, pacifiers, sippy cups, high chairs, snotty nose, nonverbal… all the things that look adorable from afar but close up make my anxiety escalate. I really don’t miss any of it. I have drastically romanticized the idea of baby. And while I would love another child with every ounce of my being, we have it pretty damn good right now. Lil’ A will start Kindergarten in the fall and I feel the page has turned on this chapter of our lives.
I am confident that I am a good mother to the amazing little girl who calls me mommy. I can give my one child an outstanding life and finally let go of the guilt of not giving her a sibling. I can now, without reservations or what ifs, let go of the baby lust that has been occupying my mind. I can get back to the business of being wife, mother, friend… me.