Baby lust cured

I thought we would have 2 or 3 children. We are a couple that has always enjoyed being around children, so much so that I have worked either as a teacher or a children’s librarian for the last 10 years. We married in our early 20s and promised not to begin our family until grad school was done, careers were begun, house was purchased. Lil’ A was born in my 30th year about a month prior to our 6th wedding anniversary.

Motherhood did not come instantly to me. I was surprised and frustrated by these feelings and while I was so in love with my beautiful baby girl, I was not enjoying infancy (not to mention how much I hated being pregnant and how difficult it was for me). By no means did I feel depressed or suffer from post-pardom but I was overwhelmed and tears came easily. I worried about the choice we had made. 6 months in, he was ready for #2. I was not.

It took time but I found my groove as a mother and not only loved my baby but I fell in love with motherhood as well. And then one day, being A’s mother just felt like it was meant to be. No more fear or worry or insecurity. It feels like the most natural thing in the world. I began to wonder if this was the right time to consider growing our family.

In the end, we decided that our family was complete. There are many reasons we are comfortable with this choice but I know it is the right one. That does not mean I still haven’t felt those gooey baby feelings every now and then. Not working has stirred those long dormant feelings once again. I’m home so why the hell not.

I have spent the last few days caring for my brother-in-law’s 2 kids and A, while they have been out of the country. For 4 days, it’s been me and them. My 18 month old nephew is a sweet baby but he is still a baby. Diapers, naps, pacifiers, sippy cups, high chairs, snotty nose, nonverbal… all the things that look adorable from afar but close up make my anxiety escalate. I really don’t miss any of it. I have drastically romanticized the idea of baby. And while I would love another child with every ounce of my being, we have it pretty damn good right now. Lil’ A will start Kindergarten in the fall and I feel the page has turned on this chapter of our lives.

I am confident that I am a good mother to the amazing little girl who calls me mommy. I can give my one child an outstanding life and finally let go of the guilt of not giving her a sibling. I can now, without reservations or what ifs, let go of the baby lust that has been occupying my mind. I can get back to the business of being wife, mother, friend… me.


5 thoughts on “Baby lust cured

  1. I totally understand. We had 3 girls. They were a year and a half apart. They are grown now and I now have 2 grand kids. I love babies, but I don’t miss the messy baby stuff. Every family is unique, whether you have one or 15. (Yes, that happens. My ex was #14 of 15.) I’ve seen how you talk about Lil’ A. I can hear the love as I read your posts. That is 99% of good parenting. I look forward to future reading. :))

  2. A friend of mine recently had twins, though surrogacy (his wife has a kidney issue and can’t be sure that she’d survive a pregnancy and/or the child would). We were talking about dealing with the very smallest & how different they are than our terrors toddlers. But, then she said “but, I think I’m done.”

    So I turned to her & said “I love you.”

    I really, really want to know when the “am I screwing up this parenting stuff?” worries will go away. Because they’re around, in full force, right now.

    • I think A was about 2 when the fears went away. Now the larger worry that she will end up on therapists couch never goes away!

  3. Pingback: Auntie Beth! | With glitter in her veins…

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